my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
