I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
