This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
