hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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