Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
