I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
