i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
