John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
