Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
