Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.