There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.