Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.