I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
