oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
