I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
