If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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