Who wears a wallet chain?!
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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