I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
