Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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