I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
