I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
