I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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