the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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