Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
