I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
