the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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