found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
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