can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
