I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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