just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
