3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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