So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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