and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You left your phone here
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