My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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