Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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