im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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