I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You were trust falling into bushes
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
