I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
