i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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