They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
