I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
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Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
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