Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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