U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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