i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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