I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
