Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
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And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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