Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
