If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
