I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Randomize
