he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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