Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
