so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
