I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
