i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
