shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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