Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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