I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I would ride that face into the sunset
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
