just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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