Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
