im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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