Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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