I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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