I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
